My Dearest Xavier, 2024
"My Dearest Xavier,
In grief, countless emotions and feelings are coursing through the body at once. Some hurt more than others but I find the most difficult to cope with is regret. Regret plays tricks on one's mind, and wreaks havoc on the nervous system. When I look back on our lives together I have so many regrets for the mistakes I made, the things I said that I did not mean, but mostly for the things that were left undone and unsaid.
One of my biggest regrets is that I did not know more about fentanyl. I had heard about it at the high school I taught at, but it was so new and there was so much misinformation that I thought people only died from coming in contact with it. Never in my wildest dreams would I think people would make it look like prescription drugs or even candy. I regret my naivete in thinking it would never make its way into our community, let alone into your unknowing hands. I wish I had known about this damn poison, and that something called Narcan could reverse its effects. This is a regret I will have to carry with me forever.
I want you to know that I do not regret a single moment we shared and continue to share. Being your mom is an honor and a privilege that was bestowed upon me, how humbling. If given the choice to be your mom again, even knowing that I would lose you at a young age I would say yes, a thousand times over.
Grief is akin to a shadow accompanying me everywhere I go. Fighting it is futile, it is simply a part of who I am now. Knowing this I can make two choices every morning when I wake up. One is to live in anger and regret allowing the shadow to consume me. The second is to focus on the side where the light is, that is where you are. Your kind, gentle, loving soul pulls me forward towards my purpose through the pain. It also pushes me to live with love in my heart.
All of my love, forever, and ever,
Mom”
- Christine DeVivo-Speer, mama
“How do you write a tribute to your dead 17-year-old son? The world has moved on so cruelly and quickly since that tragic day where you got stuck in time and memory. You came into this planet as such a gift of quiet deep thinking, it always seemed like you had the capability to frequency hop in the universe. It is hard to pick specific memories or points in time that can encapsulate how much you mean to all of us, this will barely scratch the surface. So, I choose to just say thank you for giving me the privilege of being your father. From the beginning your goofy ass taught me some life lessons starting with empathy and gentleness.
Thank you for the late-night conversations in bed, to musical notes pouring out of you with such ease, always bringing me comfort and slowing things down. Thank you for your fierce love of music, family, community, basketball, video games, pizza and steak that are so deep in my memory that it always feels like you are with me, when I am with them.
Thank you for the glimpse you gave us in the last three months of your life, where you suddenly grew up so fast physically and mentally. It was almost like you knew it was all ending and had to wrap up some loose ends to give us comfort after your departure. Even as I read back through this, it is not enough, like an empty attempt to describe you to the world. So, all I can do with my time here is make sure yours is not forgotten.
I love and miss you Xavier, thank you for being mine.”
Xerfelly 5.15.03 – 3.12.21
- George Gerchow, father
“Goofy, intelligent, hilarious, charismatic, wise, menace, deep loving, shiny, full of life, authentic friend, hard on himself, ridiculous, kind, hungry, heavy footed, video gamer, basketball lover, community builder, drummer, pianist, ukulelist, xylophonist, bassists, anything else he was interested in ist, trampoline pro, driver, is only a start to who my brother continues to be.
A piece of me died when Xavier’s soul left his body.
Xavier’s death certificate reads, “poisoned by fentanyl.” We are furious. Furious that Xavier’s life was ripped from underneath him, stolen by fentanyl.
I will not meet my nieces and nephews, nor will my children meet their only uncle with my blood. I would give my life to hear the hum of his drums travel up the stairs. Hear one more joke. See one more smile. Give him one more rejected kiss. Anything just to feel him.
We share Xavier’s story in hopes that no sister, mother, father, friend, grandparent, loved one feels the pain my family carries. I was unaware. Please educate yourself and your loved ones before it’s too late.”
- Madison Gerchow, sister, age 25
“Since Xavier passed away I’ve been looking for my big brother everywhere. I find him in the sunrises before my early morning hockey games and all the heart shaped rocks that Christine and I find on walks. I should be able to find him in his room, or out on the basketball court, but I haven't been able to for 3 years now, because of fentanyl. The foundation that he's inspired has become so important with the rising number of fentanyl poisonings and overdoses. I shouldn't have to carry narcan in my backpack everyday at school. I fear for the lives of my peers, friends and at times even for my own. Awareness is going to save lives, and the XFoundation’s mission is going to benefit so many highschoolers and their families. Xavier inspires me everyday to live life to the fullest, enjoy the little things and not take a single moment for granted. I will always miss my big brother, but he'll always be there for me to look up to and gain courage from. No other little sister out there should have to look for her big brother in the sunrises, and I believe the XFoundation is going to help prevent that for so many others, one step at a time.”
- Alyss Speer, stepsister, age 15
“This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to write, it pains me to my very core to know that I haven’t seen you in three years. In my mind’s eye I see the 9 yr old boy I first met that was obsessed with pizza, chocolate milk and Slenderman. I relive the Disney song sing-along that occurred every morning on the drive to school. I replay our time together as you grew into an amazing young man, playing basketball out in blizzards, joking around and laughing until we cried and of course discussing life and relationships. You should know that our time together not only changed my life, it also made me a better father & man… and you truly became a part of my heart & soul. I never imagined the kind of impact that you would have on so many lives. At every turn you surprised me with your heart, humor and penchant for life. Love you X.”
- Dan Speer, stepfather
“It is so surreal that another year has gone by without Xavier in it. I think back to the last time I saw him and he was telling me about a Pete Davidson movie with a character named Zeke or the last phone conversation that I had with him on the 11th, when he put the wrong dish soap in the dishwasher and I wanted to make sure that he didn’t need me to stop by and help clean the kitchen before his dad came home from the mountains.
As a mother of 2 teenage boys, I worry constantly about reckless adolescent decisions, challenges to their mental health and now being unknowingly poisoned. Both of them carry Narcan in their cars and backpacks. XFoundation is a great resource for raising awareness on the dangers of fentanyl and providing a place for the community to come together in support of each other. Through Xavier’s tragedy, their mission to ensure that no family feels the effects of fentanyl poisoning will save many lives.”
- Laura Penney, stepmother
Life is not the same without my grandson Xavier. I hope to see him some day in Heaven.
- Tamy Chandler, grandmother
“Xavier was a person that everyone called best friend, his contagious laugh, humor, his cooking skills, love for music and sports, made him a person that everyone could relate to, but what made him special was how sincere and caring he was. Xavier’s authentic personality came from being raised by a great, loving family and once he got into a friend group that embraced him, people started to see how awesome he always was. He is nothing you would expect when you hear of someone that was poisoned from fentanyl, but that has become more and more common as fentanyl is getting into more homes of smart, passionate, and loving kids every day.
That is why the XFoundation is so important in attacking the fentanyl crisis. It is owned and supported by people who have experienced losing a family member or friend to fentanyl and understand that the stigma surrounding fentanyl “overdoses” is just not accurate. We want to educate people that fentanyl is not like any other drug, rather it is a poison, and a lethal dose can be as small as 5 grains of salt. Over 5,500 pounds of fentanyl has been illegally shipped into the U.S. and seized. Which means there is much more roaming our communities and killing innocent people that we have failed to prevent. Our vision is to honor Xavier and the thousands of people who die every year, through education and proper ways to hinder this crisis across America.”
– David Tapia, friend, age 21
“Xavier was my best friend since I was around 5 years old. He was the kindest, funniest, most entertaining person I have ever met. He always saw the best in everyone. I am honored to have had the pleasure of being his friend and being accepted into his family. When Xavier was taken from us, it crushed me in ways I could not imagine. He did not deserve to pass in such a manner and I pray that no other family goes through such a tragedy. Because of my history with Xavier, there was only one way that I could move forward after his passing. Xavier inspired me to live for the both of us now that he is gone. I know that he would want me to become the person that he saw me as and experience life in the best way possible.”
- Draygan Colonese, friend
“Xavier and I connected in a unique way within our friendship due to music. We both had a passion for playing instruments and I feel that's where we really had some of our best moments. Xavier’s taste for music was amazing and his ability to play any beat on the drums just by listening was always able to put me in awe. Xavier always inspired me to be myself and overall was able to bring so much joy to the people around him. The XFoundation’s values and mission is always on my mind and the importance of spreading awareness on fentanyl poisoning is crucial to establishing a safer future for our societies and especially the youth. In 2023 alone, Colorado seized a total amount of 2.1 million pills that contained fentanyl. That is enough fentanyl to poison and kill millions of people. Overall, Xavier made such a big impact on my life and I'm excited to see the impact the XFoundation will make on others because that's what X would have wanted.”
- Matthew Green, friend
“Xavier Gerchow, one of the most out of pocket funny human beings I met and got to consider a close friend has brought me an abundance of laughter, vision, and more. X was my close gaming buddy who never let me down in the virtual world and real life. We listened to music because at that time our hobbies became an art that not many could understand or practice. He was always open ears and very picky when it came to who I surrounded myself with because he was always looking out for me. I cannot thank him enough for providing a second home where we all hung out and made some of the most memorable memories as young stupid teenagers who just wanted to escape from our life sometimes. We played endless amounts of basketball at a church with our friends and for months during covid it was the only thing we got to hold onto for life outside of a screen. But the day we lost Xavier I had lost someone who was supposed to stay in the chapters of my life till the end. I dedicated my last songs to him because we dreamed of creating music together and having a studio. And it is hard to explain how preventable it was for us as friends to truly do something but didn't. My sister who is in the medical field warned me about fentanyl poisoning due to the fact she had seen kids our age passing away and before X's final moments I mentioned to him to please be careful because I knew how dangerous it truly is. Xavier's incident opened my eyes to how serious this fentanyl crisis truly is and how dangerous it could be for our future generation. The XFoundation is one foundation that may change the future lives of people who never get to call their family and friends again. The XFoundation has the ability to be the safe haven for those who need help and it is trusted in the hands of the ones we know personally and know are willing to never give up until this issue is suppressed to the maximum. Since 2016 the Fentanyl crisis has increased not by 80%, 90%, or even 100% but a sad and ridiculous percentage of 1,652% and what has the world done up until now? What are we waiting for but with the help of the community and XFoundation we have a chance to make change. So we do not lose such genuine and caring people like Xavier who gives up hope in life. Long Live Xavier Gerchow.”
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